I’ve become bored with solid foods. They stick to the mouth (e.g. peanut butter) and wedge in our teeth (e.g. apples).  No one likes talking to a girl with apple-teeth.  I’d rather talk to an apple.

Thus, I propose elimination of all solid foods from UConn dining halls.  This would benefit the student body in numerous ways:

• Increased productivity via reduced eating time
• Elimination of apple-teeth
• Reduced dining facility costs (Blenders become only appliance)
• Exposure to interesting flavors (e.g. Meatloaf + Water)

There will be opposition at first, no doubt, but this happens with any progressive movement.  Students will learn to appreciate the soft innocence of liquid foods.

Such a movement will also open the door for fun themed-meals.  “Udder-Mayhem” would involve dining facility workers carrying mock udders.  They would spurt different flavored streams into the air, warming both the bellies and hearts of UConn students.

“Just Like Grandpa” wouldn’t be much different than a normal dinner, except everyone is in wheelchairs.

With different flavor mixtures, fun themes, and reduced facility costs, the liquid food movement is making a convincing case for itself.  I urge my peers to take arms in this worthy cause. Remember, solids are sloppy, liquids are luxury.